…this?
As I noted in the preceding post, I was a bit surprised at GM Jeff Agoos’ A to the Q about kits that the Thorns weren’t likely to get a new jersey this season. Surprised because I was under the impression that the Nike kit rotation was every two years, and that since the Doritos kits had been introduced in 2023 we were due for new kits this season.
Well…okay. It turns out we are getting a new primary kit, and this is it. Welcome the “Electric Bloom”;
“The Electric Bloom kit radiates the fearless brilliance of a club rooted in the creative energy of our Portland community. Striking a harmonious balance of grit and grace, this kit features a bold pattern of atomic pink and voltage yellow roses. Electric red and mossy green accents nod to the club’s core brand colors and the moody forests of the Pacific Northwest.”
It’s…well, it sure radiates something.
I’ll admit right upfront; I’m kind of stodgy about soccer kits. I like bold, clean looks (and I’m especially fond of hoops, which is why I liked those 2015 Tire Factory red-white-black kits and didn’t hate the 2018 “tire tracks” secondary). A uniform is, more than anything, a statement. It’s telling your opponent, and reminding yourself, who you are and why you should be respected.
Or feared.
So I like seeing the team in bold jerseys. That’s why I like red, why I believe it is such a good base color; it’s practically the definition of “bold”. It jumps out at you, gets up in your face. It makes a statement. That’s kind of the point.
So for me bold and simple is more effective than subtle and complicated.
I’m not completely hating on “subtle and complicated”, mind you. We’ve had complicated kits that worked; the 2020 Black Rose is the best Thorns shirt ever. I enjoyed the Tattoo shirt (except that we always seemed to play poorly wearing it). The black-and-red “Jenga Blocks” shirt? Fine!
No, it’s not the concept here, it’s the execution.
The bleached-out pastel-y colors. Lime green and pink? Next stop, Margaritaville! The muddled what-the-fucking-is-it jungle print? What is it? A tablecloth from The Alibi. Tiki bar!
Complicated can be fun. But it has to be interesting complicated. It has to pop. It has to be distinctive, eye-catching. It had to make the same statement that an in-your-face red jersey would; “I’m a Portland Thorn, and I’m here to kick your ass.”
These? Just a weird muddled incoherent mess, a strange collision of “busy” and “boring”.
Now I’m wondering…what are we getting for a change strip? Do we get a new secondary, too? And, given this thing…do we want new one?
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I am not excited about the kit, but Reilyn’s matching nails makes me think some of the players like the kit or maybe her nails are so important to her that she didn’t want them to clash.
Or the Nike rep laid out some asks and Turner was happy to go with them. Product placement/endorsement bucks are a non-trivial source of pro athlete income, so if a mani/pedi brought me in an extra couple of thou, would I jump on it? Youbetcherass I would!
I read Turner’s side-eye smile as conveying to someone off camera, “Good thing you pay me, because I’ve way too much style to wear this in real life.”
At least these…. totally rad kits… raise our confidence level in the club’s ability to pull off a stellar performance of Waiting for the Coach. Right?
My current confidence level: Sherbet
I know it’s frustrating. I’m frustrated, too. Chris Rifer is online ripping the hell out of Agoos for not getting the coach hire, and I get all the frustration. Yes. It’s frustrating!
To me this was baked in from 2024. The club should have left Gale in interim standing. Then, when his squad cratered they could have canned him before postseason and started a real hiring search. Once they brought him back for 2025, and once he kept the club close enough to make a playoff run?
What were the options? Keep him here for another season of KenBall in 2026? Given his performance up to October 2025, why? He is unlikely to become better than the “meh” vibey-guy he was up to then. Or can him, knowing that the timing was as bad as it could have been, with the UEFA leagues in the early season and few if any genuinely outstanding managers looking for new gigs?
I’m not saying I’m excited by Agoos’ work, but I see how we ended up here.
As for this sherbet-flavored kit? Meh. Sadly, it’s far from the absolute worst strip this club has ever worn…
I’m now referring to this kit as “Rainbow Sherbet”.
I’m still trying to figure out if this thing is red(dish)-and-yellow(ish) or green(ish)-and-pink.
“What flavor would you like me to scoop?”
“Yes!”