The Thorns Prediction Game

We should have been warned.

After a formless (and scoreless) mess of a midweek Cup tie against Seattle the Thorns Harmless Milk-snake Sedation Squad (a.k.a. “The Replacements”) dropped another turd to the visiting Current on a Cooper penalty.

Despite dominating all the statistics the Thorns couldn’t figure out how to put the ball through the goal and, like all our punters, got nothing from the match.

Campeon de AperturaPoints

Torneo de Clausura:

NameLast MatchThis MatchClausura Total
Daniel Stratton909

This coming Sunday the same makeshift roster makes the long trek across the continent to New York (or New Jersey, pick ’em…) to play a Gotham that’s missing Lynn Williams, their top scorer, but is otherwise much less bereft. The Batwomen scraped a scoreless home draw off Angel City the day after the Thorns KC Debacle.

To say “form doesn’t hold” for Gotham this season is putting it mildly; the Team Formerly Known As Sky Blue is clinging to fifth, a point below Washington and two points clear of the slumping Wave, but has ping-ponged between whipping Seattle 4-1 at Lumen and losing to Louisville 2-nil in Louisville.

This will be the first meeting between these two clubs since the 3-3 final day draw in 2022.

(Last meeting: October 1, 2022, Red Bull Arena, 3-3 draw)

How all this works:
Add a comment to this post. As your first line, put your predicted result, for example 3-1 Thorns.

In the body of your comment, start with the goals and assists, like so:
Smith (Klingenberg)
Kuikka (Free kick)
Moultrie (Unassisted)
Marta (PK)

Next, name the first yellow card recipient: Jess Fishlock
Then a red card. (NOTE: no points awarded for correctly calling a red-card-free match, so take a guess.) Madison Pogarch for mimicking mooning the referee after getting an undeserved yellow.

Make your fun prediction,and give a “thumbs up” to anybody else’s prediction that tickles your fancy:“Pogarch gets the start against her former club. She gets through 70 minutes without fouling her former teammates until she can’t take it anymore. She pushes over Hina, gives Weaver a wedgie, gives Sinc a noogie, then flips off the Riveters and runs out of Providence Park, never to be seen again. The ref issues a red card, which she later contests, and loses.” (h/t to ABell4)

· Correct score: 5 points
· Correct result (draw/win/loss): 3 points
· Each clean sheet: 2 points
· Each goal-scorer: 1 point
· Each FK/PK/assist/lack of assist: 1 point
· Goal/assist bonus: 1 point
· Player with the first yellow card of the match: 1 point
· A player with a red card: 1 point
· Most liked/most outrageously accurate prediction: 2 points

Some ground rules and explanations/clarifications (the fine print):
Comments must be posted before kickoff, but you can edit or amend an earlier prediction right up to the starting whistle.

Keep your scoreline predictions realistic. No crazy scores just to pad out your odds of getting goals and assists.

The goal/assist bonus is an additional point if you predict the correct scorer and assistant on the same goal, for example, you say Hubly scores from a Boureille assist and that is exactly what happens. P.S. if you say exactly that, and it happens, I will hunt you down and buy you a beer!

Be clear whether you think a goal will be unassisted, assisted, or from a PK/FK. Unassisted = no assist, run of play; Assisted = player who got the assist; PK/FK = not in run of play. For the purposes of this thread, Penalty Kick and Free Kick are the same thing. No entry means unassisted.

John Lawes
Latest posts by John Lawes (see all)

6 thoughts on “The Thorns Prediction Game

  1. 1-0

    Weaver (Moultrie)

    YC: Purce
    RC: Kling

    The Thorns all dress up as their favorite superheroes for this match, and results vary on this assignment. Kling goes as Hit-Girl from Kickass -with language to match. Kuikka is She-Hulk and Weaver channels Scarlett Witch. Bixby is Supergirl, Menges is the Wasp, Moultrie goes as Captain Marvel, and Hubly goes as Barbie.

    I encourage revision of this list.

  2. 2-0 Thorns loss


    Yellow Card Zerboni
    Red Card Zerboni

    Continued with the super hero theme, on point with the league and a trip to Gotham, everyone dressed as a character from the MCU/X-Men universe. Izzy D’Aquila is Jean Grey. Hogan is Black Widow. Coffey is Spider-Woman. Reyes is Mystique.

  3. Hey John – Do SincFan and PastaBake get points for tying the most outrageous predictions in last week’s game? Thanks in advance.

    Thorns 1-3 Gotham

    Weaver (Kuikka)
    Purce (Long)
    Long (Ryan)
    Zerboni (Ryan)

    YC: Kling
    RC: Zerboni

    All those ex-Thorns players whoop on us. Then Weaver scores a consolation goal, and is beckoned towards the other bench. Lady Liberty presents a new contract on the spot. Sigh…

    1. Since nobody got more votes (and both of you got just the one) I was inclined to pass in those points. I might go ahead and split the points and give you both one each.

  4. 3-2 Gotham



    YC : Edmonds
    RC: Edmonds

    Bucking the trend, the Thorns manage to score not just one, but TWO goals.

  5. 1-1

    Weaver (Coffey)
    Purce (Long)

    YC- Long

    After the match the Thorns do a Jersey Shore remake with Coffey as Snooki’s, etc.


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