The Thorns Prediction Game

It seems like ages ago, we were warmed by the autumn sunshine in the City of Angels, ready and hoping for a happy ending to a turbulent season, our destinies in our own hands, just needing a win over the lowly Angels to nail down the second Shield in three years.


Okay, well. THAT sucked. The Thorns lost the match, lost the Shield, lost their composure and any semblance of looking like an actual playoff club.

It wasn’t so much that Tweed’s Angels outthought or outplayed or outsmarted Norris’ Thorns. They did what they’d been doing since Tweed took over, and Portland just fell before it; they stuck their fist out and the Thorns ran into it face-first.

It sucked, both for the club, the fans, and our punters.

Nobody got the result – Daniel Stratton was the optimist predicting another Decision Day 3-3 draw – and got Jun Endo as one of the ACFC scorers. Sincfan got Savannah McCaskill as assisting rather than scoring but got as much “fun” points as were available from this mess with an LA Story including Alyssa Thompson, Kuikka, and movie stars.

But overall? Whooo, as ugly as the Thorns.

Campeon de AperturaPoints

Torneo de Clausura:

NameLast MatchThis MatchClausura Total
Daniel Stratton24125

So that was the end of the season.

The dreadful finale aside, the Thorns had the playoffs sown up, and for their sins now get NJ/NY Gotham for the second time in three matches. Both clubs had players active over the international break though the weight of international numbers tells against the Thorns in that respect.

Portland and Gotham are all square for the season; Gotham won 2-1 at the Bull in July, and Portland 1-nil here just two matches ago. This will be for the series as well as a ticket to San Diego and the Final.

I won’t pretend to be confident. Gotham is a good side, and I don’t think what worked in October will work against them again. I think there’s a good chance they learned from the loss. I think it’s entirely possible this one goes all the way to PKs – the last match the two teams together barely managed an xG over 1.0 – and that’s assuming that the Thorns defense doesn’t ACFC-grade shit the bed and concede two early goals.

But I’m Eeyore, so that’s my job to be worried. How do you feel?

(Last meeting: October 7, 2023, Providence Park, 1-nil win)

How all this works:
Add a comment to this post. As your first line, put your predicted result, for example 3-1 Thorns.

In the body of your comment, start with the goals and assists, like so:
Smith (Klingenberg)
Kuikka (Free kick)
Moultrie (Unassisted)
Marta (PK)

Next, name the first yellow card recipient: Jess Fishlock
Then a red card. (NOTE: no points awarded for correctly calling a red-card-free match, so take a guess.) Madison Pogarch for mimicking mooning the referee after getting an undeserved yellow.

Make your fun prediction,and give a “thumbs up” to anybody else’s prediction that tickles your fancy: “Pogarch gets the start against her former club. She gets through 70 minutes without fouling her former teammates until she can’t take it anymore. She pushes over Hina, gives Weaver a wedgie, gives Sinc a noogie, then flips off the Riveters and runs out of Providence Park, never to be seen again. The ref issues a red card, which she later contests, and loses.” (h/t to ABell4)

· Correct score: 5 points
· Correct result (draw/win/loss): 3 points
· Each clean sheet: 2 points
· Each goal-scorer: 1 point
· Each FK/PK/assist/lack of assist: 1 point
· Goal/assist bonus: 1 point
· Player with the first yellow card of the match: 1 point
· A player with a red card: 1 point
· Most liked/most outrageously accurate prediction: 2 points

Some ground rules and explanations/clarifications (the fine print):
Comments must be posted before kickoff, but you can edit or amend an earlier prediction right up to the starting whistle.

Keep your scoreline predictions realistic. No crazy scores just to pad out your odds of getting goals and assists.

The goal/assist bonus is an additional point if you predict the correct scorer and assistant on the same goal, for example, you say Hubly scores from a Boureille assist and that is exactly what happens. P.S. if you say exactly that, and it happens, I will hunt you down and buy you a beer!

Be clear whether you think a goal will be unassisted, assisted, or from a PK/FK. Unassisted = no assist, run of play; Assisted = player who got the assist; PK/FK = not in run of play. For the purposes of this thread, Penalty Kick and Free Kick are the same thing. No entry means unassisted.

John Lawes
Latest posts by John Lawes (see all)

4 thoughts on “The Thorns Prediction Game

  1. How do I feel? Hmmm…I feel that Norris and Sinc have failed a team full of talented youth, much in the way that Vlatko and Twila have. Perhaps Hayes will bring some sanity….in May?!? Clearly we set our sights on WWC 2027, which is fine, as we have the talent to win it AND the subsequent Olympics under the right leadership. I can only hope that new ownership brings similar sanity to the Thorns…and thank goodness that the Timbers FO doesn’t have a say here…Neville…seriously?

    Deep breath….

    3-0 Gotham

    Prediction: I’m wrong about the score

    1. Well, you were wrong on the score…but not the result. 0-1 was all they needed.

      Sinc can’t be blamed, but I’ll smack Norris for not coming up with a plan other then Smith hero-ball when Smith was at 80%. If Portland generated more than 0,5xG I’ll be shocked.

      I think we should be a bit more humble about the Nats. There’s a lot of talent here…but there’s also a hell of a lot elsewhere; Japan, Spain, England, Australia, the Nordics…the old days when the US could pencil in any eleven people and run the table at the WC? That shit’s done. Even Sir Alex might struggle against Japan, or Spain. Hayes should do well…but it’ll take some more careful preparation that we’ve seen in the past.

      Let’s see these new owners first. Then we’ll see where we might be going.

  2. 2-1 ?? I dunno. Will the team be Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde today? If Jekyll, are we stuck with Hyde for the championship! This team is only consistent in its inconsistency

    Smith, Weaver
    Moultrie, Hina
    Gonzales, Purse

    YC – Coffey
    RC – Abby Smith

    Prediction- it rains so hard that the turf is totally flooded & the game looks more like water polo than football

    1. Sadly, it was Ms. Blah that turned up…not awful, not great, just kinda meh. Unfortunately Gotham was “less-meh” than we were.

      It sure was pretty flooded, tho…


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.