The Thorns Prediction Game

So sorry! Gomen’nasai! (frantic bowing…) I’m so late with this week’s prediction game and I have no excuse – just laziness and confusion. So let’s get this one up so we can move forward.

And especially forget about the awful trap game in Orlando. It trapped our punters, too; no one got the result or score, nobody only SincFan guessed Hubly for the first (soft!) yellow, although several got the Weaver-to-Smith connection on the forlorn early goal.

Roses was last week’s winner, getting both Adriana and Smith as scorers and Weaver for the assist bonus, as well as her cautionary tale of what happens when you let bigotry’s whole camel ass under the tent. “Orlando Pee’s”. Hummm…

NameLast Match TotalThis MatchSeason Total
Constant Weeder11011
Daniel Stratton35237
Timber Dave10010


Here’s my thought.

Since we’re at the halfway point in the season, I’m tempted to split the prediction race into an apertura and clausura because Thrakkorzog has such a commanding lead, so there’s your apertura winner (prizes TBD..!)

Starting with this game we’ll play for the clausura season; the winner of the “closing” portion of the 2023 season will have a chance to go into the playoffs and win it all…or perhaps we’ll end up with two champions.

How does that sound to everyone?

Regardless of how we play it here, the Thorns have to go to the echoing and empty halls out in the deserted wastes of Bridgetown to play the appalling Chicago Red Stars, who are one bare point above the dual Wooden Spoon holders.

The Red Stars are coming off a 0-5 thrashing at the feet of the Damned Courage…but before that they strung together their first back-to-back wins – a 1-nil over Orlando and a 1-2 road win over the more-dire Angel City FC – after losing to us here at the end of May.

It’s hard to say if Chicago can get their shit together enough to make this another trap game. Certainly Coach Norris sounded dispirited and confused by the licking Orlando handed his squad last weekend. Can Chris Petrucelli and the Red Stars repeat what Seb Hines and the Pride did?

(Last meeting: May 21, 2023, Providence Park, 4-nil Portland win)

How all this works:
Add a comment to this post. As your first line, put your predicted result, for example 3-1 Thorns.

In the body of your comment, start with the goals and assists, like so:
Smith (Klingenberg)
Kuikka (Free kick)
Moultrie (Unassisted)
Marta (PK)

Next, name the first yellow card recipient: Jess Fishlock
Then a red card. (NOTE: no points awarded for correctly calling a red-card-free match, so take a guess.) Madison Pogarch for mimicking mooning the referee after getting an undeserved yellow.

Make your fun prediction,and give a “thumbs up” to anybody else’s prediction that tickles your fancy:“Pogarch gets the start against her former club. She gets through 70 minutes without fouling her former teammates until she can’t take it anymore. She pushes over Hina, gives Weaver a wedgie, gives Sinc a noogie, then flips off the Riveters and runs out of Providence Park, never to be seen again. The ref issues a red card, which she later contests, and loses.” (h/t to ABell4)

· Correct score: 5 points
· Correct result (draw/win/loss): 3 points
· Each clean sheet: 2 points
· Each goal-scorer: 1 point
· Each FK/PK/assist/lack of assist: 1 point
· Goal/assist bonus: 1 point
· Player with the first yellow card of the match: 1 point
· A player with a red card: 1 point
· Most liked/most outrageously accurate prediction: 2 points

Some ground rules and explanations/clarifications (the fine print):
Comments must be posted before kickoff, but you can edit or amend an earlier prediction right up to the starting whistle.

Keep your scoreline predictions realistic. No crazy scores just to pad out your odds of getting goals and assists.

The goal/assist bonus is an additional point if you predict the correct scorer and assistant on the same goal, for example, you say Hubly scores from a Boureille assist and that is exactly what happens. P.S. if you say exactly that, and it happens, I will hunt you down and buy you a beer!

Be clear whether you think a goal will be unassisted, assisted, or from a PK/FK. Unassisted = no assist, run of play; Assisted = player who got the assist; PK/FK = not in run of play. For the purposes of this thread, Penalty Kick and Free Kick are the same thing. No entry means unassisted.

John Lawes
Latest posts by John Lawes (see all)

13 thoughts on “The Thorns Prediction Game

  1. 3-0

    Smith (Sugita)
    Smith (Weaver)
    Weaver (Sinc)

    YC St. Georges
    RC St. Georges

    Last time we played them, it felt a bit like the Day of the Defenders, with Hubly and Kuikka both scoring.

    I’m at work right now and it’s been a rough day (healthcare), and I have no stories for the moment. I may come back tomorrow and tack one on, if tomorrow is a better day.

  2. 4-0
    Smith (Weaver)
    Dunn (Weaver)
    Moultrie (Hina)
    Smith (PK)

    YC Menges
    RC Davidson

    Team eager to get home helicopters out to the airport to not deal with the traffic.

  3. 2-1 Chicago
    Dunn (Hina)

    YC: St Georges
    RC: Bixby

    Norris overconfidence abound, mostly starts the b/c team, who play with heart, but its not enough to stop Chicago from scoring twice before Norris realizes his error. In fear of losing his job, he hands over the reigns to Sinc, who proceeds to sub herself in and promptly forgets to sub anyone else until stoppage time, at which point the damage is done.

    1. Regarding the mid-season reset idea…fine with me, although I’m not sure mine counts as an unbiased opinion in the matter.

  4. Thorns 3-1 Red Stars

    Smith (Weaver)
    Moultrie (Kuikka)
    Naher OG
    Yuki (St Georges)

    YC: Kuikka
    RC: Naher

    The team has a bonding activity – Kayaking down the Chicago River! Competitive juices flow and they start racing each other. A tugboat gets in the way, and they decide to race it too. Kling signals the captain, who blows the foghorn. The toot-toot signaling becomes a goal celebration.

  5. 3-0

    Smith (Weaver)
    dunn (Hima)
    Moultrie (unassisted)

    YC – Coffey

    Im an effort to try to beat us Dansby Swanson shows up in a RS jersey & tries to play a 9

  6. Sinclair starting in 86 degree heat, but Chicago is dire. My prediction is, we win in spite of Sinc, not because of her…

    Thorns 3-0

    Smith (Weaver)
    Dunn (Smith)
    Smith (Sinclair)

    YC: Milazzo
    RC: St. Georges

    1. Pulls defenders away for Smith to have space on her goal and scores what ends up being the game winner, with excellent footwork to create space. Part and parcel for the season, nobody predicting what is going to happen.

      1. The thing about Sinc, is that one goal seems to make everyone forget about the 75 minutes where she does what Moultrie can do in the 15 minutes she gets on the field lol. She also makes everyone around her work harder and pulls them out of position for those 75 minutes. The negatives don’t outweigh the positives to have her starting, imo, and she is much better utilized as a closer of a game.

        Though, I think a lot of the goal-bleeding comes at the hands of Norris, but having Sinc out there for a full game just makes what should’ve been an easy game that much harder….

      2. There’s no question that Sinclair knows how to play this game, and when the pace allows it can impact a match.

        But as ABell4 says…that’s not nearly often enough, and when she can’t she forces her club to play what amounts to 10v11. A player in her position is perfect to close out wins or come on to try and pull a match out in the last half hour or so. Letting her jog about for 90 minutes? When the formation pushes damn near seven of your players up constantly? That’s punitive…


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