The Thorns Prediction Game


I think we’ve become gunshy to the point where we all could do nothing but dread what seemed like the at-best-a-road-point-but-ugh-probably-another-fucking defeat-in-Seattle; only Roses even advanced the hope that the Thorns might do what they did – kick the Reign soundly 0-2 and kick their way back to the top of the table.

That meant thay most of our punters opted for the “optimistic” draw. Nobody imagined that the captain would storm back onto the scoresheet, either – although SincFan got the goal-assist bonus with Hina-san to Smith for the matchwinner – and took the top honors on the day, tho Thrakkorzog’s beer-pong yarn (and Fishlock? Y’think that Welsh yobbo would see every other player under the table? Yeah…) garnered the most fan support.

NameLast Match TotalThis MatchSeason Total
Constant Weeder11011
Daniel Stratton35035
Timber Dave10010


Now that we’ve warmed our collective hands by the joy’s bonfire made of such noble individual parts and two inflaming goals it’s time to hit the road.

This coming Sunday the Thorns travel to the fever swamps of Florida where the somewhat-revived-since-Opening-Day Orlando Pride lurk beside the ‘gators and the Ron DeSantis groupies.

Since their Annual Opening Day Hiding the Pride enjoyed a brief burst of success, including wins over San Diego at the end of April and Washington in the third week of May before collapsing into Shameful incompetence, dropping the last two matches (to Chicago 1-nil and Houston 2-nil) to enter this contest ninth on the table and mired in solid traditional mediocrity.

(Last meeting: March 26, 2023, Providence Park, 4-nil Portland win)

How all this works:
Add a comment to this post. As your first line, put your predicted result, for example 3-1 Thorns.

In the body of your comment, start with the goals and assists, like so:
Smith (Klingenberg)
Kuikka (Free kick)
Moultrie (Unassisted)
Marta (PK)

Next, name the first yellow card recipient: Jess Fishlock
Then a red card. (NOTE: no points awarded for correctly calling a red-card-free match, so take a guess.) Madison Pogarch for mimicking mooning the referee after getting an undeserved yellow.

Make your fun prediction,and give a “thumbs up” to anybody else’s prediction that tickles your fancy:“Pogarch gets the start against her former club. She gets through 70 minutes without fouling her former teammates until she can’t take it anymore. She pushes over Hina, gives Weaver a wedgie, gives Sinc a noogie, then flips off the Riveters and runs out of Providence Park, never to be seen again. The ref issues a red card, which she later contests, and loses.” (h/t to ABell4)

· Correct score: 5 points
· Correct result (draw/win/loss): 3 points
· Each clean sheet: 2 points
· Each goal-scorer: 1 point
· Each FK/PK/assist/lack of assist: 1 point
· Goal/assist bonus: 1 point
· Player with the first yellow card of the match: 1 point
· A player with a red card: 1 point
· Most liked/most outrageously accurate prediction: 2 points

Some ground rules and explanations/clarifications (the fine print):
Comments must be posted before kickoff, but you can edit or amend an earlier prediction right up to the starting whistle.

Keep your scoreline predictions realistic. No crazy scores just to pad out your odds of getting goals and assists.

The goal/assist bonus is an additional point if you predict the correct scorer and assistant on the same goal, for example, you say Hubly scores from a Boureille assist and that is exactly what happens. P.S. if you say exactly that, and it happens, I will hunt you down and buy you a beer!

Be clear whether you think a goal will be unassisted, assisted, or from a PK/FK. Unassisted = no assist, run of play; Assisted = player who got the assist; PK/FK = not in run of play. For the purposes of this thread, Penalty Kick and Free Kick are the same thing. No entry means unassisted.

John Lawes
Latest posts by John Lawes (see all)

8 thoughts on “The Thorns Prediction Game

  1. 4-0

    Hina (Smith)
    Dunn (Weaver)
    Moorhouse (OG)

    YC Madril
    RC Oyster

    Sophia, Hina and Dunn use the Thorns to practice their world cup goal celebration. This includes teammates jumping around as kangaroos, and slowly moving about like koalas (without the spreading of syphilis.) As well as a you think that is a knife, this is a knife Crocodile Dundee celebrations.

    1. Sorry, chlamydia. That is the disease that just about every koala is infected with, not syphilis. In either case, no spreading around either.

    2. I am seeing we are without both Menges and Sauerbrunn is questionable, with possible thunderstorms tomorrow. I am adjusting my prediction to 3-2. I don’t think I can get any points for this but some sort of a thunderstorm delay, not necessarily a cancellation, but at least some sort of break or late kickoff, this sees the game lose its timeslot and is not watchable to anyone not at the stadium. Partly because CBSSN is showing other things, and partly because the lightning damages the broadcast equipment so even on Para+ they are unable to get a broadcast out.

      Remove the Moorhouse OG and I am adding Abello and Bright goals.

  2. 3-1
    Dunn (Hina)
    Smith (Weaver)
    Moultrie (Smith)
    Adriana (Marta)

    YC Coffey

    Woah.. Still a bit bemused by the “ STDs down under” discussion above. 😛…. Florida’s bigoted free speech gag order expands so that people are no longer able to say the word “Pride”.. Announcers spend the broadcast starting to say the team name & then remembering the law. As a result, Orlando is forever known as the Orlando “Pee”s.

  3. 3-0 Portland

    Smith (UA)
    Dunn (Hina)
    Weaver (Sinc)

    YC: Listro
    RC: Moorhouse

    DeSantis and the Florida legislature shove through a last minute expansion on the “Don’t say gay” law that precludes any of the LGBTQ community from playing sports. Out of both fear and protest the teams decide to host the game in a more tolerant state…not realizing just how far they have to drive to find one.

  4. Thorns 2-1 Pride

    Smith (Weaver)
    Moultrie (Dunn)
    Adriana (Marta)

    YC: Tymrak
    RC: Sinclair

    Hubly and Kling get stuck on the Harry Potter Forbidden Journey ride at Universal Studios. Initially, they think it won’t take long to resolve. After waiting for help for over two hours, they start to get desperate. Desperation turns to creativity, and looking around, they are inspired to cast a spell. Raising their souvenir wands above their heads, they shout “SOPHIA SMITHICUS!” By invoking the name of their teammate who always seems to get out of tight spaces, they are able to wriggle free of the harnesses. But how to get to the field on time? They need speed, so they invoke their former teammate and shout “RASO RASO RASO! OI OI OI!” and off to Exploria they apparated.

  5. 3-0

    Sugita (Kling)
    Smith (Weaver)
    Smith (Dunn)

    YC Hubly
    RC Marta

    The stadium is raided due to rumors of a drag queen show at halftime. The swat team doesn’t find any queens, but Tymrak quickly moves her postgame edibles over to Kling’s locker. By the time they are found, the second half is underway. When the officers attempt to detain Kling, she just dribbles around them, and keeps playing. The visiting Riveters quickly flood the field in their Kling jerseys, creating a great deal of confusion, and allowing her to escape. Kling’s trip to Florida ends with a warrant for her arrest, but she’s already back in Portland eating Tymrak’s edibles.

  6. Thorns 3-1

    Ok, back in the saddle after missing a few predictions ahead of time. Nally for Becky makes me nervous, but I’ll hope for the best with a 3-1 scoreline.

    Sophia (Sinc)
    Dunn (Hina)
    Sinc (Smith)
    Adriana (Marta)

    YC: Madril
    RC: Montefusco


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