The Thorns Predictions Game

Sorry! I’m late, I know, I know. Life just kind of jumped up and bit me in the backside this week, but here’s the prediction game for this weekend.

LAST weekend the Thorns got back in the W column with a 2-nil beating of a surprisingly poor Racing Louisville. It wasn’t real pretty but, hey, three points are…you know.

I’m starting to think that y’all have lost faith in Morgan Weaver’s ability to score. Everyone got the win – Pastabake got the scoreline, too! – several people got the clean sheet, but nobody picked Weaver except Roses (who got the scorer/assist combo, tho!).

NameLast Match TotalThis MatchSeason Total
Constant Weeder11011
Daniel Stratton11516
Timber Dave10010

Roaring to the lead from deep field came Pastabake, with the result AND scoreline, sheet, and two points for his robotic tale of the Nadim Megazord.

This weekend we host Angel City, a club like Racing mired in mediocrity, 1-2-1 and -2GD. Their last match was a 2-2 home draw against (surprise!) Louisville, and it’s difficult to tell whether they’ll be any tougher than the bourbon-bibbers.

How all this works:
Add a comment to this post. As your first line, put your predicted result, for example 3-1 Thorns.

In the body of your comment, start with the goals and assists, like so:
Smith (Klingenberg)
Kuikka (Free kick)
Moultrie (Unassisted)
Marta (PK)

Next, name the first yellow card recipient: Jess Fishlock
Then a red card. (NOTE: no points awarded for correctly calling a red-card-free match, so take a guess.) Madison Pogarch for mimicking mooning the referee after getting an undeserved yellow.

Make your fun prediction,and give a “thumbs up” to anybody else’s prediction that tickles your fancy:“Pogarch gets the start against her former club. She gets through 70 minutes without fouling her former teammates until she can’t take it anymore. She pushes over Hina, gives Weaver a wedgie, gives Sinc a noogie, then flips off the Riveters and runs out of Providence Park, never to be seen again. The ref issues a red card, which she later contests, and loses.” (h/t to ABell4)

· Correct score: 5 points
· Correct result (draw/win/loss): 3 points
· Each clean sheet: 2 points
· Each goal-scorer: 1 point
· Each FK/PK/assist/lack of assist: 1 point
· Goal/assist bonus: 1 point
· Player with the first yellow card of the match: 1 point
· A player with a red card: 1 point
· Most liked/most outrageously accurate prediction: 2 points

Some ground rules and explanations/clarifications (the fine print):
Comments must be posted before kickoff, but you can edit or amend an earlier prediction right up to the starting whistle.

Keep your scoreline predictions realistic. No crazy scores just to pad out your odds of getting goals and assists.

The goal/assist bonus is an additional point if you predict the correct scorer and assistant on the same goal, for example, you say Hubly scores from a Boureille assist and that is exactly what happens. P.S. if you say exactly that, and it happens, I will hunt you down and buy you a beer!

Be clear whether you think a goal will be unassisted, assisted, or from a PK/FK. Unassisted = no assist, run of play; Assisted = player who got the assist; PK/FK = not in run of play. For the purposes of this thread, Penalty Kick and Free Kick are the same thing. No entry means unassisted.

John Lawes
Latest posts by John Lawes (see all)

8 thoughts on “The Thorns Predictions Game

  1. 3-0 Thorns win

    Smith (Sugita)
    Sinc (Kuikka)
    Own Goal

    YC: Nielsen
    RC: Nielsen

    McCaskill has been growing on me with this new club. She’s still a leader in yellow cards, but a little less rough around the edges than she used to be. I think she’s been overall pretty underrated outside of L.A. It’s nice to see her get some love from fans.

    Prediction: Moultrie and Thompson stay up late the night before the game drinking chocolate milk and comparing high school GPAs.

    It’s Friday and I need an AI to complete that for me.

  2. Dang Pastabake! Good job – must be the carbo loading?

    3-0 Thorns

    Dunn (Smith)
    Weaver (Sinc)
    Hina (no assist)

    YC (Coffey)
    YC (McCaskill)

    With their Hollywood connections, Angel City manages to create a CGI version of Press on the field (turf works as a “green screen”). It causes some confusion to the Thorns backline, but ACFC argues that they still have only 11 players. Subsequently an image of Press runs fruitlessly across the pitch throughout the game.

  3. 2-0 Thorns

    Smith (Dunn)
    Weaver (Hina)

    YC: McCaskill
    RC: McCaskill

    Both coaches decide to use Chat GPT to plan their strategy…being an AI, it immediately realizes the opportunity for arbitrage, and concocts strategies that will produce exactly the result depicted above, and tries to place heavy side bets on that outcome. Unfortunately it realizes too late that no-one really wants to bet heavily on NWSL games, especially with an AI, so instead of celebrating the game it sulks in a dark corner of the internet churning out fake videos of Donald Trump being arrested.

  4. Thorns 2-1 ACFC

    Smith (unassisted)
    Sugita (Weaver)
    LeRoux (Enzo)

    YC: LeRoux
    RC: McCaskill

    Olivia Moultrie and Alyssa Thompson have a classic teenage sleepover the night before the game. On the agenda: Pizza, sodas, watching Pirates Of The Caribbean, and braiding each others hair. Very enjoyable. The night is capped off by Hubly and Weaver TP’ing Moultrie’s house.

  5. 3-1

    Smith PK
    Weaver (Sinc)


    YC Hina
    RC Norris

    The Queen Charlotte orchestra stays and watches the game. They join the drum team to give the Capos a full band to conducts.

  6. 3-0 Thorns

    Smith (UA)
    Dunn (Smith)
    Weaver (Smith)

    YC: Ertz
    RC: McCaskill

    The Thorns score three goals in the first half and the players unanimously decide at halftime to call an “abandoned” game at 52′ due to “weather” and argue that 77 in April in Portland is a unique weather circumstance. After having nothing in the rule book to dispute it, the league shrugs and give the Thorns 3 points. The players rent a boat jacuzzi and spend the rest of the evening on the Willamette.


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