The Thorns Prediction Game


It’s hard not to be wrung down after the deflating last-gasp equalizer in Kansas City. But the club doesn’t have that luxury; they’ve got to pull themselves together and face Racing Louisville tomorrow and fight to keep their playoff position.

(1-1 draw, Rodriguez (UA), Mace (Edmonds), YC Bennett)

This was a real tough one for our punters. Nobody had a draw, nobody guessed Rocky as our scorer, and only Pastabake had Mace for theirs. That and the attached Wizard-of-Oz Kansas tale were the only points our group took from Kansas City.

NameLast MatchSeason Total
Constant Weeder040
Daniel Stratton022

Racing has been eliminated from the postseason, but that may have actually freed them up from the weight of expectations a bit; their last match was their first win since – believe it or not – May, a 2-nil whipping of the Shame.

Can they bring that FTW energy into Providence Park tomorrow?

(Last meeting, July 29, 2022 at Lynn Family Stadium, 1-2 win)

How this works:
Add a comment to this post. As your first line, put your predicted result, for example 3-1 Thorns.

In the body of your comment, start with the goals and assists, like so:
Smith (Klingenberg)
Salem (Free kick)
Moultrie (Unassisted)
Williams (PK)

Next, name the first yellow card recipient: Merritt Mathias
Then a red card. (NOTE: no points awarded for correctly calling a red-card-free match, so take a guess.) Madison Pogarch for mimicking mooning the referee after getting an undeserved yellow.

Make your fun prediction,and give a “thumbs up” to anybody else’s prediction that tickles your fancy: The two teams meet up in the parking lot before the game to burn an effigy of Paul Riley. Nadine Angerer produces not one but two lighters from her pockets.

· Correct score: 5 points
· Correct result (draw/win/loss): 3 points
· Each clean sheet: 2 points
· Each goal-scorer: 1 point
· Each FK/PK/assist/lack of assist: 1 point
· Goal/assist bonus: 1 point
· Player with the first yellow card of the match: 1 point
· A player with a red card: 1 point
· Most liked/most outrageously accurate prediction: 2 points

Some ground rules and explanations/clarifications (the fine print):
Comments must be posted before kickoff, but you can edit or amend an earlier prediction right up to the starting whistle.

Keep your scoreline predictions realistic. No crazy scores just to pad out your odds of getting goals and assists.

The goal/assist bonus is an additional point if you predict the correct scorer and assistant on the same goal, for example, you say Hubly scores from a Boureille assist and that is exactly what happens. P.S. if you say exactly that, and it happens, I will hunt you down and buy you a beer!

Be clear whether you think a goal will be unassisted, assisted, or from a PK/FK. Unassisted = no assist, run of play; Assisted = player who got the assist; PK/FK = not in run of play. For the purposes of this thread, Penalty Kick and Free Kick are the same thing. No entry means unassisted.

John Lawes
Latest posts by John Lawes (see all)

7 thoughts on “The Thorns Prediction Game

  1. Thorns 3-1 Racing

    Smith (Kuikka)
    Coffey (set piece)
    Ryan (Weaver)
    Nadim (Fox)

    YC: Sinclair
    RC: Bixby

    Bixby’s red comes from a double yellow after having to come out and tackle McDonald on several breakaways. Abby Smith trips over her own laces entering the field and sustains an injury. Wilkinson, in a display of odd roster management, has the three tallest field players – Sinc, Betfort, Weaver – decide amongst themselves who will put on the gloves via Rock Paper Scissors. After three rounds of three-way ties, the contest is settled under playground rules when in the fourth round Sinc declares “BLACK HOLE!”

  2. 3-0 Thorns

    Smith (Beckie)
    Weaver (Sugita)
    Sugita (Moutrie)

    YC: Howell
    RC: Nadia

    The annual Portland Naked Bike Ride literally takes an odd turn into Providence Park, somehow making it into the North side of the pitch to parade by the Riveters. The entire Racing team, save for Nadia of course, is completely dumbstruck, stopping to watch the spectacle while the Thorns calmly score. As the riders never actually enter the pitch, the ref has no choice but to allow the goal, but does try to issue a yellow to the last rider while looking away.

  3. Thorns 2-0 Racing

    Weaver (Sugita)
    Ryan (Klingenberg)

    YC: howell
    RC: Bonner

    The Riveters come up with a way to produce black-and-white striped smoke, which they put to good use after every blown call or no-call (and, to be honest, a few merely dubious calls as well).

  4. 2-0

    Smith (Hubly)
    Sugita (Rodriguez)

    YC: Kuikka
    RC: Kuikka

    Kuikka celebrates her resigning with a ferocious game in which she crushes attacks. Her first card is for picking up the ball and spiking it after stealing it from Nadim on a breakaway, and her second is for spiking the yellow card the ref pulls out. She takes the ball and the yellow card with her when she leaves the field.

  5. 2-0

    Smith (PK)
    Smith (Moultrie)

    YC Nadim
    RC RW

    Nadim joins the Thorns in their walk of honor around the field post game waving to everyone like she never left.

  6. I had a hard time with this one. They’ve been so inconsistent that it’s hard for me to nail down a score line. Still, if they can’t dig deep and make a statement tonight…I think so goes the shield and championship.

    3-1 Thorns

    Smith (Ryan)
    Ryan (Coffey)
    Smith (Rocky)
    Nadim (McDonald)

    YC: Murray

    After a tough half, Louisville comes off the field and indulges in some mystery donuts left in their locker room. A seemingly kind gesture turns foul when the players on the field start sitting on the pitch and then stretching out for naps. The donuts were later found to be laced with CBD, but no responsible party was ever found. The Thorns were later fined $100 and all donuts were banned from Providence Park going forward.


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