The Thorns Prediction Game

Well, this was interesting.

After the Gotham blowout Daniel Stratton wrote:

“The one thing this team has yet to do is win a close game. All wins have been shut outs and have all been by at least 3 goals. We have managed not to lose many games, so that is something, but this team has yet to grind out 1-0, 2-0, or 2-1 win.”

The club read that, traveled to Louisville, and…did just that, rode an early Smith goal and a late Sugita strike to overcome a Chidiac first half equalizer and to nick three points on the road.

Apparently Daniel didn’t have confidence in his prediction, though; like many of our punters, he predicted another big win for the Thorns. Everyone got the result, but only Pastabake nailed the exact score, putting him first past the post for last week’s match:

(1-2 win, Smith (Weaver), Chidiac (Howell), Sugita (UA), YC – Sauerbrunn, no red card)

NameLast MatchSeason Total
Constant Weeder632
Daniel Stratton411

Tomorrow the Thorns meet the Damned Courage for the first time this season, and this one has all the makings of a classic trap game. The Damned have been struggling in ways unseen since before the Riley (spit!) Era, but they’re not really a bad side, and might just possibly find it in them to stab at the Thorns from Hell’s heart. The Thorns will need to be on their guard and in their best form to ensure the visitors go home disappointed.

(Last meeting, October 31, 2021 at Providence Park, scoreless draw)

How this works:
Add a comment to this post. As your first line, put your predicted result, for example 3-1 Thorns.

In the body of your comment, start with the goals and assists, like so:
Smith (Klingenberg)
Salem (Free kick)
Moultrie (Unassisted)
Williams (PK)

Next, name the first yellow card recipient: Merritt Mathias
Then a red card. (NOTE: no points awarded for correctly calling a red-card-free match, so take a guess.) Madison Pogarch for mimicking mooning the referee after getting an undeserved yellow.

Make your fun prediction,and give a “thumbs up” to anybody else’s prediction that tickles your fancy: The two teams meet up in the parking lot before the game to burn an effigy of Paul Riley. Nadine Angerer produces not one but two lighters from her pockets.

· Correct score: 5 points
· Correct result (draw/win/loss): 3 points
· Each clean sheet: 2 points
· Each goal-scorer: 1 point
· Each FK/PK/assist/lack of assist: 1 point
· Goal/assist bonus: 1 point
· Player with the first yellow card of the match: 1 point
· A player with a red card: 1 point
· Most liked/most outrageously accurate prediction: 2 points

Some ground rules and explanations/clarifications (the fine print):
Comments must be posted before kickoff, but you can edit or amend an earlier prediction right up to the starting whistle.

Keep your scoreline predictions realistic. No crazy scores just to pad out your odds of getting goals and assists.

The goal/assist bonus is an additional point if you predict the correct scorer and assistant on the same goal, for example, you say Hubly scores from a Boureille assist and that is exactly what happens. P.S. if you say exactly that, and it happens, I will hunt you down and buy you a beer!

Be clear whether you think a goal will be unassisted, assisted, or from a PK/FK. Unassisted = no assist, run of play; Assisted = player who got the assist; PK/FK = not in run of play. For the purposes of this thread, Penalty Kick and Free Kick are the same thing. No entry means unassisted.

John Lawes
Latest posts by John Lawes (see all)

14 thoughts on “The Thorns Prediction Game

  1. Thorns 3-1 Courage

    Smith (Coffey)
    Moultrie (Sugita)
    Weaver (Coffey)
    Debinha (unassisted)

    YC – Bixby
    RC – Matthias

    The folks over at Tillamook Cheese begin to populate their board beside the North End with fan-fic flavor names. Some of the top vote receivers are Franch Vanilla, Caramel Coffey Crunch, Rocky Roadriguez, Mudslidetackle, and Moultrie Moo Shake.

  2. 3-1 Thorns
    Smith (Beckie)
    Sinc (Smith)
    Weaver (Sugita)

    Debinha (C Pickett)

    YC: O’Sullivan
    RC: Mathias

    To everyone’s amazement Paul Riley shows up thinking “they must be over it by now”. The magnitude of his mistake becomes clear when the Riveters channel two years of frustration into rolling him into a tightly wound ball, which they substitute for the actual game ball. The game sees a new record for box to box clearances and keeper punts.

    1. From your mouth to…

      FWIW, the only “good” thing about that whole mess is that the SOB seems to have, for once, STFU and gone away. Hopefully his career is over, but at least he’s not still in the news feed whining about fucking “cancel culture” or something…

    2. I’ll know in the first 5 minutes whether this will be a Thorns win. If we come out with energy and enthusiasm, looking like we intend to WIN THE GAME, then we will indeed win the game. If we come out slow and predictable, with endless lateral passing among the defenders, then NC will smell blood and take it to us.

      Please let it be the former!

  3. I saw a tweet about how Crystal Dunn was excited to get back to playing soccer. I thought that was a precursor to her coming off the Maternity Leave list. It was not to be. Timeline is for near the end of August.

    Other news to share, the league saw something with Weaver goal and assist in July to put her in the team of the month, something I don’t think any of us saw.

    Dunn, Menges and Kling out for Friday.

    It had been a while since a player who hasn’t scored scores for Portland. I was going to pick Dunn. Instead here it is.


    Smith (Mcgrady)
    Beckie (Ryan)
    Mcgrady (Coffey)

    Pinto (O’Sullivan)

    YC Hinkle
    RC Hinkle

    In a sign of displeasure with Hinkle the Riveters dress in matching rainbow pattern in the GA seats.

    1. Weaver did have good matches against Gotham and Louisville, so maybe it was that. Still kind of wish she’d be…better…but she’s not BAD. I agree that I didn’t see her as POTM material, but I’m biased because my expectations for her are pretty high…

      1. I know a no red card game prediction gives you 0 points. What happens if we predict a no yellow card game, like the Thorn/Courage game was. Are we able to collect point(s) or is it 0 points like the no red card prediction?

  4. Thorns 3-0 Courage

    Smith (Beckie)
    Sinclair (Ryan)
    Sugita (Smith)

    YC: Erceg
    RC: Daniels

    Before leaving the field after the game, the Thorns players form a gantlet for young Moultrie to run, by way of a sendoff on her World Cup adventure.

  5. Thorns 3 – 2 Damned

    Smith (Hina)
    Rocky (no assist)
    Sinclair (Kuikka)

    YC: Kerolin

    The Thorns have a campfire, and Sincy tells all the terrifying story of the 6-0 drubbing NC gave us a few years ago. Shaky and scared, but determined to excise that particular ghost, the Thorns defeat the dammed. Am I right that Sinc is the only player on the field who was a Thorn when we were being consistently flayed by the Damned?

    1. Also K-Hubs, who’s been here since 2017. She at least experienced our 0-6 drubbing, which, much as we’d like to forget it, was only 3 years ago.

  6. Thorns 2-0

    Sinclair (Sugita)
    Sophia Sinclair)

    YC Hinkle
    RC O’Sullivan

    I can’t top those ice cream flavors.

  7. Thorns 3-1

    Smith (Weaver)
    Smith (Sinc)
    Sinc (Beckie)
    Debinha (unassisted)

    YC: Kurtz
    RC: Daniels

    Short on time and wit, so Thorns flavors-of-the-month gets my vote!


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