The Thorns Prediction Game

Typing this as I wait for the midweek Challenge Cup match, and peering at the Cup XI what jumps out is that there’s 100% less Bixby.

I though after last weekend that the club might be hoping to shore up Bella’s confidence by using her as the “Cup keeper” while starting Shelby Hogan for the matches that really matter.

Based on tonight? It doesn’t look it. Sad, really. Bella might be done for the year.

But…to the soccer!

Last Friday’s big win over the formerly-top-of-table Washington Spirit was a delightful way to end the week, and most of our punters felt the same way about nicking the points.

Three of five punters got the result – nobody had confidence enough to predict putting four past Washington – and lots of people got scorers and assists. Three players got a score-assist combination and Roses swept the field by predicting two: Sugita-to-Smith AND Sanchez-to-Hatch as well as her tongue-in-cheek suggestion that Marco Parsonio might fix our defense.

Campeon de AperturaPoints

Torneo de Clausura:

NameLast MatchThis MatchClausura Total
Daniel Stratton549

This coming weekend the opponent couldn’t be more different from the last.

The Kansas City Current are avoiding the infamy of the Wooden Spoon only by the utter incompetence of Chicago. But the Current still linger in 11th place, 12 points from 13 matches, and a trashfire in back; 24 GA trailing only Chicago’s 33.

But as we know from Orlando and Chicago, these tomato cans are traps for the Thorns, who tend to play down to the opposition. And we will be missing the heart of the attack with Sophia Smith (as well as Hina-san) so it’s kinda hard to predict this one.

(Last meeting: April 1, 2023, Children’s Mercy Park, 1-4 Portland win)

How all this works:
Add a comment to this post. As your first line, put your predicted result, for example 3-1 Thorns.

In the body of your comment, start with the goals and assists, like so:
Smith (Klingenberg)
Kuikka (Free kick)
Moultrie (Unassisted)
Marta (PK)

Next, name the first yellow card recipient: Jess Fishlock
Then a red card. (NOTE: no points awarded for correctly calling a red-card-free match, so take a guess.) Madison Pogarch for mimicking mooning the referee after getting an undeserved yellow.

Make your fun prediction,and give a “thumbs up” to anybody else’s prediction that tickles your fancy:“Pogarch gets the start against her former club. She gets through 70 minutes without fouling her former teammates until she can’t take it anymore. She pushes over Hina, gives Weaver a wedgie, gives Sinc a noogie, then flips off the Riveters and runs out of Providence Park, never to be seen again. The ref issues a red card, which she later contests, and loses.” (h/t to ABell4)

· Correct score: 5 points
· Correct result (draw/win/loss): 3 points
· Each clean sheet: 2 points
· Each goal-scorer: 1 point
· Each FK/PK/assist/lack of assist: 1 point
· Goal/assist bonus: 1 point
· Player with the first yellow card of the match: 1 point
· A player with a red card: 1 point
· Most liked/most outrageously accurate prediction: 2 points

Some ground rules and explanations/clarifications (the fine print):
Comments must be posted before kickoff, but you can edit or amend an earlier prediction right up to the starting whistle.

Keep your scoreline predictions realistic. No crazy scores just to pad out your odds of getting goals and assists.

The goal/assist bonus is an additional point if you predict the correct scorer and assistant on the same goal, for example, you say Hubly scores from a Boureille assist and that is exactly what happens. P.S. if you say exactly that, and it happens, I will hunt you down and buy you a beer!

Be clear whether you think a goal will be unassisted, assisted, or from a PK/FK. Unassisted = no assist, run of play; Assisted = player who got the assist; PK/FK = not in run of play. For the purposes of this thread, Penalty Kick and Free Kick are the same thing. No entry means unassisted.

John Lawes
Latest posts by John Lawes (see all)

8 thoughts on “The Thorns Prediction Game

  1. Thorns 2-1 Current

    Moultrie (Coffey)
    Coffey (Weaver)
    Kizer (Loera)

    YC LaBonta
    RC LaBonta

    When KC comes to town, you get whiffs of BBQ sauce and visions of mustaches. The crowd is feeling bittersweet about a certain streaming series ending recently, where people worked through their issues instead of allowing toxicity to flourish … oh and there was some soccer in that show, too. In that moment of wistfulness, Hannah Waddingham and Juno Temple break the fourth wall, enter the stadium near the MAC, march across the field from south to north, up the capo stand, and turn left towards the owners box. They have the final episode’s prop “Richmond Women’s Team” proposal, but the title is crossed out and replaced with “Women Owning Portland’s Winning Team”. The shadowy Perritt Maulson initially waives them off, but the crowd seizes the moment and compels him to sell by hurling Edwin Akufo-style invectives. The deal is done, the game is played, and there is much rejoicing. BBQ Sauce!

    1. Thank you SincFan. Loera on as “questionable”, too.

      Let’s change Loera assisting to Cooper.

      Let’s change cards from LaBonta to:
      YC – Ball
      RC – Franch

  2. 3-0 we win
    Weaver (Coffey)
    Reyes (Hubly)
    Vasconcelos (Moultrie)

    YC: Del Fava
    RC: Loera

    Injuries, the world cup, and the history of poor coaching and owner decisions conspire to give us this win. Later, Franch and Bixby bond over the difficulties they’ve faced this season, including those coaching changes, and later go out and paint the town red together. Franch misses the plane back to KC, and Bixby offers to drive her. Hungover, they begin an epic road trip together, by the end of which, they have both decided to retire and open a restaurant together. Norris and Nadine hold an intervention, complete with a powerpoint about restaurant profitability postcovid, and Bixby and Franch agree to put the project on pause.

  3. Izzy (kling)

    YC Kuikka
    RC Norris

    Captain Coffey is given the mic for Pride night and says, sell the team Merritt. Hands it back to the PR team and the game starts with the loudest crowd ever recorded in Portland.

  4. 2-1 thorns

    Weaver- moultrie
    Moultrie- izzy

    Kristen hamilton-Kiser

    YC Coffey

    No time for story- kickoff about to start!

  5. Wow…go out of town for a week and everything changes 🙂

    Moultrie (UA)

    YC: eBall
    RC: Kizer

  6. I blew it again! Just gonna have to bow out of serious contention for the prediction game unfortunately lol. I haven’t been able to find time between the release of the XI and the start of the game to get here because I’m usually running around. I’ll give a shot at just making a prediction before we see XI’s next time.

    FWIW, I would’ve guessed a 1-1 draw, or a 2-1 loss. Didn’t think we’d get a W.


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