The Thorns Prediction Game

It was going to happen eventually.

What was frustrating about the Thorns’ first loss of the season was that it wasn’t after a titanic boss fight with league heavyweights Washington or Seattle but in a desultory skirmish in the bogs of Houston against a team that can barely whip it’s weight in weasels.

The Thorns fell apart after the first half-hour, shipped two crap goals, couldn’t convert (again!) and generally looked stale, flat, and unprofitable.

Our ever-optimistic punters took the hit as well.

No one got the score or the result, and with Bixby conceding twice no clean sheet points were on offer. However, Thrakkorzog made two bulls-eye calls on scorer/assists for the Dunn and Salmon goals as well as collecting points for the piratical adventures of the traveling supporters to vault into the lead

NameLast Match TotalThis MatchSeason Total
Constant Weeder11011
Daniel Stratton19019
Timber Dave10010

It’s a two-horse race at this point, but there’s a lot of season to go.

This coming Sunday the Chicago Red Stars visit the summery side of Southwest Portland. Chicago is a dumpster fire; 1-5-1 and -7GD. The Red Stars haven’t won a game since mid-April, and their victim then was only the similarly-hapless Kansas City Current.

The two sides haven’t met in 2023, and, as we discussed over the winter, Chicago in 2023 is very different from Chicago was in 2022.

To start with, the attack was devastated when Mallory Swanson tore her ACL patellar tendon playing for the Nats. With Swanson out for the season the goalscoring has vanished; rookie Penelope Hocking has two, Ella Stevens has two and nobody else has more than a single.

At the other end of the pitch the Red Stars make our defense look like the Great Wall of Emily Returned:

Normally I’d expect Alyssa Naeher to have been the rock on which opponents’ attacks break…but this season? Yike.

But. The Thorns looked like a disorganized mess in Houston, and have struggled to take points over the last three games. The club needs – really needs – a win over the visitors this weekend.

So; two teams desperate for a win will collide in the baking heat of a sudden summer Thunderdome.

How all this works:
Add a comment to this post. As your first line, put your predicted result, for example 3-1 Thorns.

In the body of your comment, start with the goals and assists, like so:
Smith (Klingenberg)
Kuikka (Free kick)
Moultrie (Unassisted)
Marta (PK)

Next, name the first yellow card recipient: Jess Fishlock
Then a red card. (NOTE: no points awarded for correctly calling a red-card-free match, so take a guess.) Madison Pogarch for mimicking mooning the referee after getting an undeserved yellow.

Make your fun prediction,and give a “thumbs up” to anybody else’s prediction that tickles your fancy:“Pogarch gets the start against her former club. She gets through 70 minutes without fouling her former teammates until she can’t take it anymore. She pushes over Hina, gives Weaver a wedgie, gives Sinc a noogie, then flips off the Riveters and runs out of Providence Park, never to be seen again. The ref issues a red card, which she later contests, and loses.” (h/t to ABell4)

· Correct score: 5 points
· Correct result (draw/win/loss): 3 points
· Each clean sheet: 2 points
· Each goal-scorer: 1 point
· Each FK/PK/assist/lack of assist: 1 point
· Goal/assist bonus: 1 point
· Player with the first yellow card of the match: 1 point
· A player with a red card: 1 point
· Most liked/most outrageously accurate prediction: 2 points

Some ground rules and explanations/clarifications (the fine print):
Comments must be posted before kickoff, but you can edit or amend an earlier prediction right up to the starting whistle.

Keep your scoreline predictions realistic. No crazy scores just to pad out your odds of getting goals and assists.

The goal/assist bonus is an additional point if you predict the correct scorer and assistant on the same goal, for example, you say Hubly scores from a Boureille assist and that is exactly what happens. P.S. if you say exactly that, and it happens, I will hunt you down and buy you a beer!

Be clear whether you think a goal will be unassisted, assisted, or from a PK/FK. Unassisted = no assist, run of play; Assisted = player who got the assist; PK/FK = not in run of play. For the purposes of this thread, Penalty Kick and Free Kick are the same thing. No entry means unassisted.

John Lawes
Latest posts by John Lawes (see all)

7 thoughts on “The Thorns Prediction Game

  1. We just got our Houston loss and now we are home taking on Chicago just like last year. Only last year the loss was at home and we faced Chicago in Chicago instead of in Portland. It was a draw 2-2. What do I think this this team will do against these Chicago visitors. 4-0

    Smith (Dunn)
    Weaver (Kling)
    Sinc (Coffey)

    YC Weaver
    RC Naher

    Both owners come on to the field together and announce they have sold their teams and the deals are final before kickoff. The stadium crowd chases both owners out of town with the drum and the smoke bombs.

  2. We win, 3-1

    Smith (Dunn)
    Weaver (Smith)
    Sugita (Kuikka)

    Nagasato (Krueger)

    YC Kling
    RC Bixby

    Kling starts out the game reminding everyone to find their joy out there on the field. Ever the inspiration, Kling leads by example early on, exuberantly choosing violence and earning a yellow card. Her obvious delight inspires the Thorns, and more cards quickly follow. Bixby, thoroughly inspired, uses goalkeeper tape to tape Stevens to a goalpost during the lead up to a corner kick for Chicago. She gets a red card, and hands Kling her gloves as she exits the field. Kling saves the subsequent penalty kick, and puts up a ferocious defense that has the Riveters raining flowers on her before the game is even over.

  3. Thorns 2-0 Red Stars

    Moultrie (Kuikka)
    Smith (Weaver)

    YC: Milazzo
    RC: St Georges

    Providence Park vibes are good with the cooler weather returning. It’s also prom season so many players arrive to the game in their finery. Sinc takes inspiration from Met Gala – Jared Leto, and comes decked out as her Pomeranian Nutmeg. Lindsey Horan is inspired based on mutual puppy love, puts the ACFC rumors to rest, and commits to the Thorns for the remainder of her playing years.

  4. 4-0 Thorns (time to return to form)

    Smith (UA)
    Smith (Weaver)
    Weaver (Smith)
    Dunn (Hina)

    YC: Hocking
    RC: Naeher

    The Thorns FO decides that a “bring your pet to the game” day will cheer up the players, but realize they had failed to consider the details when all players and half of the fans show up with animals of various types, sizes, and temperaments. By the time the ref halts play to control the chaos, seven birds had been eaten, ~92 cats had escaped to the new Terraces to prowl, a roving gang of dogs was reported to have eaten every hot dog in the park, and an iguana had taken up residence in the broadcast booth.

  5. 3-0 Thorns

    Dunn (Weaver)
    Sophia (Kling)
    Moultrie (Hina)

    YC: Bike

    Predictions were dauntingly good this week, so I’m going to bow out and just hope we get Smith and Bixby in top form

  6. I think this could go very differently depending on the XI on the field, so without seeing that yet, I’ll stick with my eternal optimism that coach will actually start his best XI….

    If they can’t get 4 goals past this team, I may just bow out for the rest of the season on predictions lol…

    Thorns 4-1

    Smith (Moultrie)
    Smith (Dunn)
    Dunn (Smith)
    Weaver (Smith)

    Hocking (Stevens)

    YC: B. St. George
    RC: B. St. George (there’s precedent for this)

    Y’all have outdone it for the stories so I’ll take a bye this week, out of time and out of ideas here…!


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