The Thorns Prediction Game

Whooda seen THAT coming?

For the second match in a row the Thorns scored three…but also shipped three. At least this time it was to nick a road point in Cary (a.k.a. “Where Thorns’ Dreams Go To Die”) instead of dropping two points to the LA Angels at home.

Unsurprisingly none of our punters expected that. So nobody had the result or the score, and Bixby had a very unclean sheet. Nobody predicted Natu Kuikka for the yellow, despite it putting her near the league lead.

A couple of people guessed Kerolin with a goal (no shock there…) and several had Crystal Dunn, as well. But in general the points were just as thin here as they’ve been for the Thorns lately.

SincFan and ABell4 split the “fun” points, SincFan with a WWE-worthy tale of Damned Ertz-inspired misbehavior, ABell4 with the hair-raising yarn of a ritual laying of the Curse of Cary (which, sadly, appears in fact to be whole and unwell…)

NameLast Match TotalThis MatchSeason Total
Constant Weeder11011
Daniel Stratton18119
Timber Dave10010

I’ve corrected my error and added the point that Pastabake earned for his correct call on Sugita’s goal against ACFC, so even with the slim harvest from the Affair in Cary Pasta keeps top of table.

Right behind, though? A heaving scrum of four players on 19 points, so any one of the chasers could break through with a big day.

This weekend the Thorns travel to Houston, to play the Dash in the humid heat of a south-central Texas summer made more oppressive by the ballistic vests the club will have to wear under Governor Abbot’s “AR-15 is the New COVID-19, Come At Me, Libs!” public health restrictions.

The Dash are in the midst of a run of wretched form since their draw here; 1 point over three games, no goals for, three against. Which, of course, means the Orange will be frantic to get a result against the club that last shipped them a goal…

(Last meeting: April 14, 2023, Providence Park, 1-1 draw)

How all this works:
Add a comment to this post. As your first line, put your predicted result, for example 3-1 Thorns.

In the body of your comment, start with the goals and assists, like so:
Smith (Klingenberg)
Kuikka (Free kick)
Moultrie (Unassisted)
Marta (PK)

Next, name the first yellow card recipient: Jess Fishlock
Then a red card. (NOTE: no points awarded for correctly calling a red-card-free match, so take a guess.) Madison Pogarch for mimicking mooning the referee after getting an undeserved yellow.

Make your fun prediction,and give a “thumbs up” to anybody else’s prediction that tickles your fancy:“Pogarch gets the start against her former club. She gets through 70 minutes without fouling her former teammates until she can’t take it anymore. She pushes over Hina, gives Weaver a wedgie, gives Sinc a noogie, then flips off the Riveters and runs out of Providence Park, never to be seen again. The ref issues a red card, which she later contests, and loses.” (h/t to ABell4)

· Correct score: 5 points
· Correct result (draw/win/loss): 3 points
· Each clean sheet: 2 points
· Each goal-scorer: 1 point
· Each FK/PK/assist/lack of assist: 1 point
· Goal/assist bonus: 1 point
· Player with the first yellow card of the match: 1 point
· A player with a red card: 1 point
· Most liked/most outrageously accurate prediction: 2 points

Some ground rules and explanations/clarifications (the fine print):
Comments must be posted before kickoff, but you can edit or amend an earlier prediction right up to the starting whistle.

Keep your scoreline predictions realistic. No crazy scores just to pad out your odds of getting goals and assists.

The goal/assist bonus is an additional point if you predict the correct scorer and assistant on the same goal, for example, you say Hubly scores from a Boureille assist and that is exactly what happens. P.S. if you say exactly that, and it happens, I will hunt you down and buy you a beer!

Be clear whether you think a goal will be unassisted, assisted, or from a PK/FK. Unassisted = no assist, run of play; Assisted = player who got the assist; PK/FK = not in run of play. For the purposes of this thread, Penalty Kick and Free Kick are the same thing. No entry means unassisted.

John Lawes
Latest posts by John Lawes (see all)

8 thoughts on “The Thorns Prediction Game

  1. 3-1 Thorns

    Smith (UA)
    Smith (Kling)
    Dunn (Moultrie)

    Salmon (Sanchez)

    YC: Chapman
    RC: Campbell

    Recent flooding in Houston forces teams to play using boats. The Riveters get completely behind this idea and build a 3/4 scale pirate ship for the Thorns, complete with side-cannons with ball bending controls. Sadly, the severely over-matched Dash can only produce rowboats and wooden pallets by game time.

  2. 3-0

    Weaver (Moultrie)
    Smith (Dunn)

    YC Smith
    RC Kuikka

    Pre-game entertainment is Bixby and Hogan wrestling WWE style for starting goalkeeping duties. From out id nowhere when Hogan is about to pin Bixby, Kozal comes running into the ring pinning them both and we get a game with Kozal between the sticks.

  3. 2-1 Thorns (can’t bet against them, but mot feeling confident. About a win

    Dunn (smith)
    Weaver (Kling)
    Salmon (Schmit)

    YC Coffey

    Prediction: whatever our new coach’s name is ponders the last two games mightily and thinks we might give some defense a try this match. Starts Rocky

  4. Thorns 3-2 Dash

    Smith (Rocky)
    Sinclair (Weaver)
    Moultrie (Kling)
    Ordonez (Groom)
    Prince (Salmon)

    YC Groom
    RC Chapman

    Warm weather here in PDX means Houston has no in-built advantage. Both teams, feeling hard done by recent results, come out to play at the opening whistle and put up all five goals in the first 45. Equally winded and suffering under the humidity, their second half performances are languid, with the teams parking their busses, reducing the game to what looks like an 11v11 half-speed passing drill.

    1. Oh, so Prince and Ordonez are out, so I’ll change our Dash scorers to:
      Groom (Salmon)
      Salmon (Groom)

      And thanks for revising our ACFC results, John!

  5. 3-1 Thorns

    Smith (Dunn)
    Sugita (Kling)
    Smith (Sinc)

    Ordonez (no assist)

    YC Schmidt
    RC Hubly

    I am probably underestimating Campbell, and I don’t even know if Ordonez is going to be well enough to play, the Dash has a long list of folks who are questionable or out.

    Based on that, we learn that the norovirus is ripping through the Dash’s locker room. By the 25th minute, half of the team is on the sidelines losing their blue Gatorade. Hubly isn’t sick, but she has a sensitive stomach, and earns a red card when she turns away from the view, accidentally catching the ref’s shoes with her own pre-match Gatorade. The crowd begins losing their stomachs. Klingenberg laughs and laughs.

  6. Wow, totally blew it getting my prediction in again! I guess I’m resigned to mediocrity this season…Fridays and Saturdays are my days off (and when most games are), and I’m always out and about with errands…usually get back just in time for the game!

    Regardless, don’t think I would’ve guessed this would’ve been what it was anyways…


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.