The Thorns Prediction Game

Another match, another four goals. Yawn.

Or…not. This one was sort of “75 minutes of fun, a quarter-hour of terror”. The Thorns slapped Kansas City down hard for the first half then came out after the break to find a Current who – had they been able to hit water/boat etc – could easily have equalized and DID nick a goal in the first fifteen minutes from the restart.

Coach Norris made a triple sub on the hour that helped tamp down the fire and then Sophia Smith pissed on it and the Thorns ran off 1-4 and to the top of the table on GD.

This coming weekend is a FIFA break week, and we won’t see the Thorns again until April 14th, when the Houston Dash comes into town looking for a followup to their 1-2 win at Bridgetown. Three points would skip them over Portland into second (assuming San Diego whips Seattle in Seattle, not a foregone conclusion!).

I have to apologize to Constant Weeder and the punters for my math skills; I added an extra phantom two points from some blank space in my head. The correct total of six puts SincFan’s at top of OUR table, but with no more than two points between the top five.

NameLast MatchThis MatchSeason Total
Constant Weeder6511
Daniel Stratton7411
Timber Dave5510

All our punters got the win, and, again, none of them were willing to go four goals beyond. ABell4 got the Coffey-to-Dunn goal/assist, and both SincFan and Thrakkorzog guessed that in her hat Smith had an unassisted goal, so even Roses’ caffeine-rich tale nicking the extra two couldn’t put anyone over the top for the match, although SincFan combined his two-match totals to break a point clear of the pack, but not by much.

Several of our players will be in action against the Irish this coming weekend, so let’s root for no-injuries there.

And let’s not forget that AFTER the Houston match the ridiculous Challenge Cup gimmick kicks in; the Thorns travel to San Diego five days after Houston here. Then three days later have to meet Louisville back in Portland. I suspecct we’ll see some rotation between those three…

How all this works:
Add a comment to this post. As your first line, put your predicted result, for example 3-1 Thorns.

In the body of your comment, start with the goals and assists, like so:
Smith (Klingenberg)
Kuikka (Free kick)
Moultrie (Unassisted)
Marta (PK)

Next, name the first yellow card recipient: Jess Fishlock
Then a red card. (NOTE: no points awarded for correctly calling a red-card-free match, so take a guess.) Madison Pogarch for mimicking mooning the referee after getting an undeserved yellow.

Make your fun prediction,and give a “thumbs up” to anybody else’s prediction that tickles your fancy:“Pogarch gets the start against her former club. She gets through 70 minutes without fouling her former teammates until she can’t take it anymore. She pushes over Hina, gives Weaver a wedgie, gives Sinc a noogie, then flips off the Riveters and runs out of Providence Park, never to be seen again. The ref issues a red card, which she later contests, and loses.” (h/t to ABell4)

· Correct score: 5 points
· Correct result (draw/win/loss): 3 points
· Each clean sheet: 2 points
· Each goal-scorer: 1 point
· Each FK/PK/assist/lack of assist: 1 point
· Goal/assist bonus: 1 point
· Player with the first yellow card of the match: 1 point
· A player with a red card: 1 point
· Most liked/most outrageously accurate prediction: 2 points

Some ground rules and explanations/clarifications (the fine print):
Comments must be posted before kickoff, but you can edit or amend an earlier prediction right up to the starting whistle.

Keep your scoreline predictions realistic. No crazy scores just to pad out your odds of getting goals and assists.

The goal/assist bonus is an additional point if you predict the correct scorer and assistant on the same goal, for example, you say Hubly scores from a Boureille assist and that is exactly what happens. P.S. if you say exactly that, and it happens, I will hunt you down and buy you a beer!

Be clear whether you think a goal will be unassisted, assisted, or from a PK/FK. Unassisted = no assist, run of play; Assisted = player who got the assist; PK/FK = not in run of play. For the purposes of this thread, Penalty Kick and Free Kick are the same thing. No entry means unassisted.

John Lawes
Latest posts by John Lawes (see all)

19 thoughts on “The Thorns Prediction Game

  1. Houston will be an interesting game. We have a rather good record against Houston. Although the 2017, 2018, 2019 years have inflated these numbers that are rather average on either side.

    2015 0-1-1
    2016 1-1-0
    2017 2-0-0
    2018 2-0-1
    2019 3-0-0
    2021 2-1-0
    2022 1-1-0

    In total

    It will be right after an international break, and the first of a run of 3 games in 8 days. It will be interesting to see who starts this game goes Friday night.

    This is my guess
    Smith (Hina)
    Sinclair (Weaver)



    Inspired by the opening game we have a second on the field prom-posal at halftime. This time the one has the person being asked rejects the offer. In honor of our visitors, they dash away from the person asking them and out the stadium.

  2. 2-1 Thorns

    Smith (kling)
    Dunn (hina)
    Ordóñez (Prince)

    YC Chapman

    Sinc is subbed out before she gets tired….

  3. 3-0 Thorns win

    Sugita (Rodriguez)
    Weaver (Coffey)
    Moultrie (Hubly)

    Fresh off of their loss to Mexico, the Houston Dash show up carrying some fatigue and frustration.

    YC Sophie Schmidt
    RC Diana Ordóñez

    After facing her Houston teammates earlier this week as part of Mexico’s national team, Diana Ordóñez can’t sleep tonight. Come Friday, an exhausted and jetlagged Diana keeps forgetting which side she is on, running the ball at both goals in turn. Sophie Schmidt earns a yellow card for tackling her to prevent an own goal, and Diana is later ejected from the game after celebrating Weaver’s goal with the Thorns, prompting multiple Dash teammates to tackle her, which results in another shoving match at the north end. The Free Ordóñez campaign never gets off the ground.

    1. I am now wishing I had called the first YC for Shea Groom, although she seems to get away with murder/headlocking Ball. I don’t know how to edit, so Schmidt it is.

        1. Also Schmidt is apparently out with a knee injury, so I believe you’ll *want* to update that prediction.

            1. I don’t see any mention of an Annika.

              Thanks for the update on Schmidt. Damn, but Canada’s national team is hurting. I’m changing the YC to Shea Groom.

      1. I don’t know how to edit here either, but you can always put a revision in a reply to your own comment.

  4. Thorns 3-2 Dash

    Smith (Weaver)
    Sinc (Hina)
    Weaver (Rodriguez)
    Salmon (Ordonez)
    Ordonez (Chapman)

    YC Chapman
    RC Kling

    Sauerbrunn scores on a set piece and Providence Park starts rocking. But, the VAR is run by the dastardly Perritt Maulson, who convinces the ref to overturn the goal. The crowd and bench start to riot, but Captain America turns on that good natured Midwestern attitude and reminds everyone it’s just a game.

  5. Thorns 3-1 Dash

    Smith (Sinclair)
    Weaver (Kuikka)
    Ordonez (Salmon)

    YC: Schmidt
    RC: Chapman

    Can’t top the Sinclair prediction.

  6. Everyone is too tired to defend well and we get a bit of a goal-fest.

    Thorns 3-2
    Smith (Sugita)
    Weaver (Sinclair)
    Moultrie (Smith)
    Ordoñez (Salmon)
    Salmon (Sánchez)

    YC: Prisock
    RC: Groom

    Shea Groom, who has a knee injury, is watching from the stands when Sam Coffey puts a harsh tackle on Diana Ordoñez. When the ref doesn’t even call a foul on it, Groom is so incensed that she rushes the field. The ref, all too familiar with Groom from past play, reaches for her red card, not realizing that Groom isn’t even a listed player for the match and is in fact in street clothes.

  7. 2-1 Thoms

    Salmon (Ordonez)
    Hina (Rocky)
    Weaver (Sinc)

    YC Chapman

    The Thorns tried to bunker initially as they’d hoped the Portland weather would eventually wear the dried out Texans residents. Unfortunately, this was a severe miscalculation by our coaching staff as water is actually exactly what parched athletes are looking for, and Houston gets on the board first with an Ebony salmon goal (Ordonez). That’s what you get with a rookie coach I guess. The Thorns had a trick up their sleeve though. Smith’s private jet was delayed due to the weather so she couldn’t start, but Norris had arranged for the pilot to let Smith parachute out of the jet on to the field. All the Thorns had to do was keep Houston from scoring too many points. Right on cue, 10min after halftime, Smith was seen a couple 100ft off the ground on her descent. Almost instantly, Houston arranged for her to be Quintuple teamed, as is expect nowadays. This allowed our midfield to run rampant on their keeper who was all by herself on defense. Hina scores the first thanks to a beautiful rocky assist, followed shortly thereafter by a Weaver goal assisted by Hina who somehow pulled off a crazy dibble move without any defenders left to cover her. Portland wins 2-1.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.