The Thorns Prediction Game

Calloo, callay, oh frabjous day! A win! Huzzah! Let joy be unconfined!


Oh. Sorry. OK.

Well, it might have been a teensy bit random, and the victim was certainly dire – the Orlando Shame were as bad as can be – but, hey, it was three points and on the road, too, so that’s just fiiiiine.

Our punters struggled a bit, just like the Thorns. Pretty much everyone went with the Thorns taking the points, but only Thrakkorzog had the nerve to predict Ciao! Bella! and her previously-leaky backline with the clean sheet, and nobody predicted Yazmeen Ryan and Hina Sugita getting on the board rather than Sophia Smith, so we had another low-scoring round; Pastabake with the result and the improbable-except-yeah-okay-Florida-Man tale of meth-addled halftime gator wrestling took top honors.

NameLast MatchSeason Total
Constant Weeder340
Daniel Stratton322

The TPG table is damn near as tight as the league; Thrakkorzog and Abell4 are tied for top, with Pasta and Constant Weeder locked together in the second spot; the end of the season might just be as tight here as it is on the pitch.

And speaking of soccer…the Thorns head to Kansas City this weekend (I hear there’s some crazy little women there…) to face off against yet another league leader; this time the surging Kansas City Current, who’ve been rocketing up the table since midseason:

That said, the Current dropped a horrific 4-nil clanger to, of all clubs, Chicago in midweek; Liz Ball had an awful day and with the inexplicable absence of Franch KC was utterly shelled. Interestingly, Current head coach Matt Potter yanked several of his starters right after the third goal.

Preparing for the Thorns Sunday..?

(Last meeting, April 30, 2022 at Providence Park, 3-nil win)

How this works:
Add a comment to this post. As your first line, put your predicted result, for example 3-1 Thorns.

In the body of your comment, start with the goals and assists, like so:
Smith (Klingenberg)
Salem (Free kick)
Moultrie (Unassisted)
Williams (PK)

Next, name the first yellow card recipient: Merritt Mathias
Then a red card. (NOTE: no points awarded for correctly calling a red-card-free match, so take a guess.) Madison Pogarch for mimicking mooning the referee after getting an undeserved yellow.

Make your fun prediction,and give a “thumbs up” to anybody else’s prediction that tickles your fancy: The two teams meet up in the parking lot before the game to burn an effigy of Paul Riley. Nadine Angerer produces not one but two lighters from her pockets.

· Correct score: 5 points
· Correct result (draw/win/loss): 3 points
· Each clean sheet: 2 points
· Each goal-scorer: 1 point
· Each FK/PK/assist/lack of assist: 1 point
· Goal/assist bonus: 1 point
· Player with the first yellow card of the match: 1 point
· A player with a red card: 1 point
· Most liked/most outrageously accurate prediction: 2 points

Some ground rules and explanations/clarifications (the fine print):
Comments must be posted before kickoff, but you can edit or amend an earlier prediction right up to the starting whistle.

Keep your scoreline predictions realistic. No crazy scores just to pad out your odds of getting goals and assists.

The goal/assist bonus is an additional point if you predict the correct scorer and assistant on the same goal, for example, you say Hubly scores from a Boureille assist and that is exactly what happens. P.S. if you say exactly that, and it happens, I will hunt you down and buy you a beer!

Be clear whether you think a goal will be unassisted, assisted, or from a PK/FK. Unassisted = no assist, run of play; Assisted = player who got the assist; PK/FK = not in run of play. For the purposes of this thread, Penalty Kick and Free Kick are the same thing. No entry means unassisted.

John Lawes
Latest posts by John Lawes (see all)

12 thoughts on “The Thorns Prediction Game

  1. Thorns 1-2 Current

    Beckie (Kuikka)
    Mace (Kizer)
    LaBonta (PK)

    YC: Mace
    RC: Franch

    Ted Lasso and Beard return to their hometown to cheer on the Current while AFC Richmond mourns QEII’s passing. They mistakenly sit with the away fans. During a particularly salty Riveters chant, Beard leans over and whispers, “I don’t thinks we’re in Kansas anymore, Coach.”

  2. Thorns 2-1 Current

    Smith (unassisted)
    Sugita (Coffey)
    Hamilton (LaBonta)

    YC: Scott
    RC: Edmonds

    By scoring two goals and earning two suspensions in a single game (against KC) Amber Brooks has become the record holder in a new NWSL statistic, the Double-Birdie.

    1. As I said over at Stumptown:

      “I gotta say, she’s always been one of my sneaky faves since back in ’14 when she was beefing opponents around this joint. She’s, well, supremely average, the journeywoman’s journeywoman, and yet she’s made a nine-year career out of those modest skills.

      She’ll never be on any Best XI. She’ll never be MVP of anything. She’s as rough as a cob…and, yet, there she stands, having made a living playing soccer for damn near a decade.

      Never change, Brooksie*…

      *(opinion not valid when playing Portland)

      1. Agree on Amber…always make me nervous when she comes on the field…like a train wreck waiting to mow down our midfield.

        I love that graphic (journey of each team through the season). Yours? If so, what tool to produce?

  3. Thorns win 1-0

    Smith (Dunn)

    YC: Loera
    RC: Loera

    The Thorns actually score 3 goals, and KC scores 2, but the refs only recognize one. By the 79th minute, Loera doesn’t even bother with double birds, she slide tackles the ref when he gets in the way of a pass. The ref, having played in men’s leagues in the past, reflexively falls down, grabs his leg, and screams. Somewhere, Amber Brooks smiles.

  4. 3-2 Thorns

    Smith (Sugita)
    Sinc (Dunn)

    Kizer (Labonta)
    Hamilton (Labonta)

    YC: Edmunds
    RC: Edmunds

    While the refs are looking elsewhere, Weaver hassles Edmunds to the point of breaking. In the 88th minute, not caring whether she is carded, Edmunds furiously lunges for Weaver…realizing too late she’s been baited by the crafty forward who, having taken daily Judo classes for the last 17 months, confidently smiles and tosses her into the Riveting section.

    * JL – should I have scored 5 last game?

  5. 2-1 Thorns

    Smith (Rocky)
    Sinc (Kling)
    Hamilton (Labonta)

    YC – Pickett

    After the game the team goes to AD’s house to see her kid & enjoy her garden because they miss her so much. At least, I like to think that’s what happens b/c I think AD is great & that was one of the hardest losses

  6. Only Sinclair is on the roster starting lineup that I am I an opposed. Well rested maybe she won’t be to bad.


    Smith (Hina)
    Sinclair (Coffey)

    YC RW
    RC RW

    After the game both teams go full Brooks running around double middle fingers running around in the background of any post game interview.

  7. 3-1 Thorns

    KC either wins by 1 or loses by multiple, so with a loss prediction I’m sticking with their record on this one.

    Smith (UA)
    Sinc (Ryan)
    Smith (Weaver)
    Kizer (Labonta)

    YC: Loera
    RC: Edmonds


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