The Thorns Prediction Game

Well, THAT sucked.

Playing their third of four matches in ten days the Thorns were comprehensively thumped by The Damned Courage in Cary and it could have easily been worse.

Coach Wilkinson fielded a peculiar XI, subbed on and off peculiarly, some of our crew had epically awful matches, and overall the entire product the Thorns put out looked like a bad amateur theatrical production of The Big Green only where the director changes the script so that the plucky band of misfits gets their asses kicked in the big game.

God, how I hate losing to Those People.

Our punters had a bad evening as well; our tendency to look on the Bright Side of Life (doo doo, de doo de doo de doo…) tripped everyone up; no one got the result or the score, and even naming the scorers were a problem – nobody figured on Rocky tallying for Portland, although several guess correctly that somehow we’d forget to mark Ordonez and, sure enough, we did (yeah, kinda lookin’ at you, Kling…) and Debinha.

So the last round of TTPG was a low-scoring affair, as our punters went home as disappointed as our team.

(1-3 loss, Ordonez (Pickett), Debinha (UA), Rodriguez (Ryan), Speck (Daniels) – YC Mathias)

NameLast MatchSeason Total
Constant Weeder137
Daniel Stratton118

And now the nitecap; a Saturday meeting with the San Diego Wave, currently level on 28 points (along with, rather shockingly, Houston!) and head-to-head, in second purely on goal difference.

And the fourth match in ten days for the Thorns; I’mma gonna go with this again because, NWSL, fuck yeah:

(Last meeting, June 8, 2022 at Torero Stadium, 2-2 draw)

How this works:
Add a comment to this post. As your first line, put your predicted result, for example 3-1 Thorns.

In the body of your comment, start with the goals and assists, like so:
Smith (Klingenberg)
Salem (Free kick)
Moultrie (Unassisted)
Williams (PK)

Next, name the first yellow card recipient: Merritt Mathias
Then a red card. (NOTE: no points awarded for correctly calling a red-card-free match, so take a guess.) Madison Pogarch for mimicking mooning the referee after getting an undeserved yellow.

Make your fun prediction,and give a “thumbs up” to anybody else’s prediction that tickles your fancy: The two teams meet up in the parking lot before the game to burn an effigy of Paul Riley. Nadine Angerer produces not one but two lighters from her pockets.

· Correct score: 5 points
· Correct result (draw/win/loss): 3 points
· Each clean sheet: 2 points
· Each goal-scorer: 1 point
· Each FK/PK/assist/lack of assist: 1 point
· Goal/assist bonus: 1 point
· Player with the first yellow card of the match: 1 point
· A player with a red card: 1 point
· Most liked/most outrageously accurate prediction: 2 points

Some ground rules and explanations/clarifications (the fine print):
Comments must be posted before kickoff, but you can edit or amend an earlier prediction right up to the starting whistle.

Keep your scoreline predictions realistic. No crazy scores just to pad out your odds of getting goals and assists.

The goal/assist bonus is an additional point if you predict the correct scorer and assistant on the same goal, for example, you say Hubly scores from a Boureille assist and that is exactly what happens. P.S. if you say exactly that, and it happens, I will hunt you down and buy you a beer!

Be clear whether you think a goal will be unassisted, assisted, or from a PK/FK. Unassisted = no assist, run of play; Assisted = player who got the assist; PK/FK = not in run of play. For the purposes of this thread, Penalty Kick and Free Kick are the same thing. No entry means unassisted.

John Lawes
Latest posts by John Lawes (see all)

8 thoughts on “The Thorns Prediction Game

  1. Thorns 2-1 Wave

    Smith (Sugita)
    Weaver (Betfort)
    Morgan (PK)

    YC – Kling
    RC – Wilkinson

    Bixby’s black grease under her eyes in the game against Chelsea catches on with the teams. Alex Morgan sports a traditional application, but Charlie clearly was “helping” her mom as evidenced by a greasy kid handprint on Alex’s jersey. Kuikka and Jakobsen collaborated and both have Scandavian flags applied. Hubly and Weaver go with Bowie-esque red lightning bolts. Angerer gets all the vets (Sinc, Kling, Brunn) in on a sneaky, Morse code, which looks like random dots and dashes on the individuals, but when they line up just right it spells “REMEMBER THE ICE-BEARS”.

  2. 2-1

    Sinc (Kling)
    Smith (Sugita)

    Ali (Kornieck)

    YC Sheridan, Kling
    RC McNabb

    The ref starts the game by giving Sheridan a pre-emptive yellow card, a reminder to keep her mouth shut after her complaints earlier this month.

    Kornieck, ever aware that she has presence on the field, flops every time a Thorn brushes past her, earning multiple fouls. Kling runs around her and even under her like a Fiat under a semi, and Kornieck is so infuriated that she throws herself down, and for extra effect, grabs her foot and hollers – and earns Kling a yellow. As soon as the yellow is produced, Kornieck hops up and trots off, her foot is just fine.

  3. 3-1 Wave (I’m ditching the sunny outlook this week…and would be thrilled to have the Thorns prove me absolutely wrong)

    Morgan (Ali)
    Korni (Jakobsen)
    Morgan (van Egmond)

    Smith (Sinc)

    YC: Reihl
    RC: Korni

    Interesting side note – now that Po is gone you have to look pretty hard for Thorns players with yellows. Only Sam Coffey has two, after 1151 minutes of field time. Compare that with our old pal Tobin Heath who has two…after 104 minutes. If I’m not mistaken that’s how many she had when she played for the Thorns from 2017-2019 in total. Picking up some bad habits she is.

    Prediction: MUTINY! The players decide to completely ignore RW, playing where they are comfortable and coordinating subs on their own. This, of course, does not work at all, but drives the point home to the coaching staff who proceed to make rational decisions the remainder of the season, which results in seven straight wins, the Shield, and the Star.

  4. 3-3


    Morgan (PK)

    YC Moultrie
    RC KW

    As the players go off to international duty the Riveters put up a TIFO along the lines of, here, there, or anywhere, you are always a Thorn.

  5. Thorns 2-1 Wave*

    YC- Po

    I can’t do it. I can’t predict the Thorns will lose. Despite all the evidence. Historically this is when we start pooping out. I had hoped that might be a benefit of this new coach. as she talked about planning for it in the beginning of the season, but now here we are. Pooping.

    At halftime both teams decide to celebrate the advent of free agency by hula-ing across the pitch

  6. Ya know, it could be the ice cream, but I feel better about this one than I did the Courage. I’m gonna go with optimism.

    Thorns 3-1

    Smith (PK)
    Smith (Rocky)
    Weaver (Sinc)

    Ali (Girma)

    Po gets the start against her former club. She gets through 70 minutes without fouling her former teammates until she can’t take it anymore. She pushes over Hina, gives Weaver a wedgie, gives Sinc a noogie, then flips off the Riveters and runs out of Providence Park, never to be seen again. The ref issues a red card, which she later contests, and loses.


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