The Thorns Prediction Game

It was the best of draws, it was the worst of draws.

Since Seattle is where Thorns Hopes normally Go To Die, to nick a road point there is usually cause for celebration.

Last Sunday, though, the Thorns went up twice, including on a comedy highlight reel own-goal, only to concede twice and take one instead of three. To rub it in the one goal the Thorns scored was a beauty of a Klingenberg dime and a Sugita-senshu five-hole of OLR keeper Tullis-Joyce.

(2-2 draw, McClernon (OG), Athens (UA), Sugita (Klingenberg), Balcer (Latsko), YC – Fishlock, no red card)

Having lingered around the back of the pack for a while ABell4 blew through the field with a perfect scoreline, two of the scorers, and crowd-pleasing tale of Tobin Fucking Heath being raptured by her past life.

NameLast MatchSeason Total
Constant Weeder317

From the rivalry match in Seattle the Thorns now return to Portland to host the enigmatic Gothamites, the team that can’t seem to score – their 7GF is far and away the lowest in the league – but has somehow managed to grind out enough points to hang just outside the red line.

The Thorns haven’t played Gotham since 2021, and the Joisey Goils have changed since then, so Saturday’s clash should be interesting on those grounds alone.

(Last meeting, August 25, 2021 at Providence Park, 2-1 Thorns win)

How this works:
Add a comment to this post. As your first line, put your predicted result, for example 3-1 Thorns.

In the body of your comment, start with the goals and assists, like so:
Smith (Klingenberg)
Salem (Free kick)
Moultrie (Unassisted)
Williams (PK)

Next, name the first yellow card recipient: Merritt Mathias
Then a red card. (NOTE: no points awarded for correctly calling a red-card-free match, so take a guess.) Madison Pogarch for mimicking mooning the referee after getting an undeserved yellow.

Make your fun prediction,and give a “thumbs up” to anybody else’s prediction that tickles your fancy: The two teams meet up in the parking lot before the game to burn an effigy of Paul Riley. Nadine Angerer produces not one but two lighters from her pockets.

· Correct score: 5 points
· Correct result (draw/win/loss): 3 points
· Each clean sheet: 2 points
· Each goal-scorer: 1 point
· Each FK/PK/assist/lack of assist: 1 point
· Goal/assist bonus: 1 point
· Player with the first yellow card of the match: 1 point
· A player with a red card: 1 point
· Most liked/most outrageously accurate prediction: 2 points

Some ground rules and explanations/clarifications (the fine print):
Comments must be posted before kickoff, but you can edit or amend an earlier prediction right up to the starting whistle.

Keep your scoreline predictions realistic. No crazy scores just to pad out your odds of getting goals and assists.

The goal/assist bonus is an additional point if you predict the correct scorer and assistant on the same goal, for example, you say Hubly scores from a Boureille assist and that is exactly what happens. P.S. if you say exactly that, and it happens, I will hunt you down and buy you a beer!

Be clear whether you think a goal will be unassisted, assisted, or from a PK/FK. Unassisted = no assist, run of play; Assisted = player who got the assist; PK/FK = not in run of play. For the purposes of this thread, Penalty Kick and Free Kick are the same thing. No entry means unassisted.

John Lawes
Latest posts by John Lawes (see all)

8 thoughts on “The Thorns Prediction Game

  1. 3-0 Thorns

    Hina (Po)
    Weaver (Kling)
    Vasconcelos (Hina)

    YC: Zerboni
    RC: Harris

    Gotham shows up with a new mascot…yes, it’s Batman because they simply could not think of anything better. Halfway through the game 300 dancing dinosaurs show up, abduct the Dark Knight, and disappear as mysteriously as they appeared.

  2. Thorns 2-0 Gotham

    Sugita (Moultrie)
    Weaver (Ryan)

    YC: Cudjoe
    RC: Freeman

    Trying to one-up LA, the Gotham players wear kits printed with ink that is only visible under UV light. Although the center ref carries a UV flashlight, there is so much identity confusion that when a card is issued, it goes to all the Gotham players in the vicinity of the foul.

  3. Thorns 3-1 Gotham

    Weaver (Sugita)
    Sugita (Kling)
    Hubly (Everett)
    Onamanu (Harris)

    YC: Kling
    RC: Pogarch

    As PTFC and fans arrive at the stadium, they find the entire Gotham team asleep on the pitch. Turns out, they failed to set their watches back and showed up for warmups, etc. as if the game were at 4:30 local. The quiet stadium, jet lag, and lovey afternoon sun worked their magic … and a team nap ensued.

  4. 2-0 Thorns

    Ryan (Weaver)
    Hina (Ryan)

    Yellow, Zerboni

    Exciting as it was to be a “dark horse”, I’m happy to be back in my middle spot 😁. Also glad that we tied that last game and outplayed them in general – good stuff! Here’s my dream, Hina takes Weaver aside and tells her the great goal scoring secret, Weaver thinks on it; does her usual spazzy ball way over the goal tries, then… something clicks & justifies Parson’s ostensibly idiotic decision to choose her over all the other delectable choices we could have had.

  5. 3-0
    Weaver (Kling)
    Po (Ryan)

    YC Cudjoe
    RC Zerboni

    In an effort to not have to pick between their two moms (Sinclair & Sauerbrunn) The thorns come out pre match training in maple leaf jackets and star studed pants, trying to promote unity between conference members.

  6. 2-0 Thorns

    Sugita (Moultrie)
    Weaver (Kling)

    YC: Zerboni
    RC: Zerboni

    At 80 minutes in and down by 2, the distressed Batgirls send up a bat signal for help. Unfortunately, an Atlantic City funnel cake and hotdog cart showed up instead…but both teams enjoyed the snacks post game.

  7. Everyone guessed correct result.

    No one guessed correct score.

    Almost all guessed Gotham would be shut out

    Almost everyone had Weaver scoring.

    No one had her scoring unassisted.

    No one had Porter, Everett, Moultrie, or Betfort, scoring this game.

    People had Po, Weaver, or Ryan assisting, just not to the right goal scorer.


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